jillian on love — RUN How to Know When Its Time to Leave a Toxic Relationship

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Hey, everyone.

Welcome back to Jillian on Love.

So today's episode is called Run.

And I decided to take some pretty intense listener questions.

where my advice to them is to get out of the situation that they are in.

And there are times where I tell people, you've got to stay and work it out.

And there are other times where it's just so important to leave.

And I think that

What I feel so committed to because it breaks my heart is how many people, and look, I've been there two years ago, how many people don't trust themselves?

You know, it's like they know that something is wrong deep down and they don't feel good.

And yet they don't trust themselves to make the right decision.

They don't trust what they're feeling.

They don't trust what their intuition or their instincts are telling them.

And so we will form these like really strong attachments and this like this connection with people.

And even if it's just like all the signs are pointing in the direction of like, this isn't right.

it creates an enormous internal conflict.

And it's because this is like the nature of being human.

This is why it's so...

Romantic relationships can be so incredibly difficult to navigate.

But...

I have a feeling that many of you are going to recognize yourself in these stories and in my answers, or you're going to know people who need this so badly.

So I'm going to start with this first question, and here we go.

Dear Jillian, I have been in a relationship with a man for two years.

When we got together, it was only six months that his ex-fiancee broke up with him.

He told me she looked at his phone and found a Christmas text from an ex.

He says then she broke up with him because she asked for total transparency from him with other women.

He was devastated when I met him.

And so I knew that he was not ready for a relationship or for anything serious.

But we had great chemistry and kept seeing each other and eventually things got more serious.

But I didn't ever feel prioritized or really valued or seen by him.

And I protested many times, getting really angry and threatening to leave many times.

I don't feel proud about my behavior and I know I should have left him many times before, but I stayed even though my needs were not even close to being met.

We did do couples therapy.

We did three sessions.

Two weeks after this, I found out he was cheating on me.

He did once in May and again during his birthday with another woman and then with a young girl he was seeing before me that I didn't know about.

He pretended to be single.

I also saw on his phone many, many pictures of naked or half-naked women.

And when I asked him about it, he said to me, what do you think men do?

After I found out all of this,

He started to tell me that he had a problem with drugs and alcohol.

Later, his therapist told him that he was a love and sex addict.

And he admitted to me that he was addicted to porn.

He wants me to give him another chance.

He promises he is going to change.

He wants to do better.

He really wants to be a better man.

And now I am all of a sudden the love of his life.

But he also stopped therapy because he thinks it doesn't work for him.

Jillian, do you think it is possible to heal this together?

And if he has love and sex addiction, can he heal this with me?

I don't trust myself.

I miss him and our cat so much.

I know it sounds ridiculous, but this is how I feel.

It can be crazy making to miss someone who we know has betrayed us.

to miss someone who never made us feel like we were a priority to them.

It is because these circumstances where, these situations where there is betrayal, there's also other parts of the relationship that may have been quote unquote good.

You may have laughed a lot together.

You may have a really strong physical connection.

You may have,

at times feel like really connected to them.

And so the fact that you miss him and you miss your cat together and you miss part of your life together, like I don't want you to feel ashamed of that, but I also really want you to recognize that you said, I don't trust myself.

I don't know really,

what you mean by that, but I think that you can trust yourself.

Look, one of the biggest problems that I see in people who keep going back to really extremely unhealthy people and dynamics is a lack of trust in oneself.

Now,

Does it mean that the story you should tell yourself is that you're a victim?

No.

I mean, you admitted that there were many times that you protested.

There were many times that you were not proud of your behavior.

Because when we're in something like this and we know it's not right, it's like we can get really loud and really mean about how our needs are not being met.

And we want so badly the person to see us.

that we then become part of the toxic dynamic and we become unhealthy too.

But that doesn't take away from the fact that his behavior is inexcusable and it's gonna keep happening.

You're not describing, you know, infidelity.

in general can be very complex.

And when it makes sense to work on your relationship where there is betrayal like that, it's when there is one betrayal, not a series of betrayals.

And it's when a couple is getting serious help and they're both seeing their role in whatever happened.

And it's a very long process.

This is someone who is a mess.

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The first thing that you learn as a lifeguard is that if someone is drowning, you don't jump in and try to save the person because what happens is because there is so much chaos in the drowning person, they're gonna grab onto you and they're gonna pull you down with you.

Instead, you gotta kind of like throw the buoy, right?

This person is such a mess that being in a relationship with them, he's just going to bring you down with his turmoil.

And the thing is, this is a series of lies and betrayals.

And in addition to the fact that you never felt good when you were in a relationship with him.

You said, I don't trust myself.

But the truth is, you can't trust him.

You actually can trust yourself.

And it's a tragedy to keep telling yourself that you can't trust yourself.

You all can trust yourselves.

You can listen to that voice inside of you that says, this does not feel right.

But you certainly cannot trust him.

And so I don't know what his addictions are or not, but I know that it's been two years.

You don't have children together and he's not really actively seeking help.

And I don't even know if that's really what his problem is, or if he's just someone who behaves really badly in relationships and is someone who you should stay very far away from.

And, you know,

That's not to take away, this is a person who deserves help.

This is a person who deserves love, but he has got to help himself first before he can be in a relationship.

And you are not a rehabilitation center for badly raised people.

That's it.

So you have to really run.

And I know that it's hard.

Because the part of you that loves, the part of you that's attached, the part of you that keeps telling yourself that you can't trust yourself or maybe we can heal together, you have to show that part of you compassion and then you have to put the stronger part of you in the driver's seat.

He's going to do it again and again.

And I just don't want you, after just two years of knowing this person, to make it your mission to rehabilitate someone who has never shown you respect.

And the greatest...

act of self-love and self-respect is to walk away when you are very disrespected because people who really respect themselves, they will have those boundaries.

They say, self-respect says, this is how I need to be treated.

And if you can't treat me that way, you don't have access to my life anymore.

So don't waste any more of your time.

Grieve, move forward with your life and know that, and take the time to reflect on your behavior and the way that you choose partners and learn from this really important experience, but don't turn this into a five or 10 year learning experience because that's how we ruin our lives.

Next question.

Dear Jillian, I'm a busy full-time single mom with a successful career

and big athletic goals.

My boyfriend of two years has said I don't prioritize him enough and based on my schedule feels like he is deprived sexually.

He said he loves me, but would like to have an, quote unquote, accommodation to sleep with other women when he feels lonely and I am not available.

I was half considering it, even though it makes me feel terrible and anxious.

Then my cat died.

He didn't reach out to me.

And I found out he already had treated himself to his first accommodation.

He had also slept with his ex who he cheated on me with previously.

I split up with him and have since gone back.

Is this acceptable behavior given I don't have much time or am I just really too busy to date anyone until my kids are older?

I'm very conflicted.

You are a single mom, which already makes you incredible and so strong.

You have a successful career and you have big athletic goals.

You have in many ways, very strong self-esteem.

But what is lacking is some relational intelligence, which, you know, so many of us have been there before.

And so I'm just here to help.

Never agree to anything in a relationship that makes you feel terrible and anxious.

There's always compromise in relationships.

Over a long-term relationship, there will be periods of time where you will have to do more work and more emotional labor.

The emotional center of gravity that defines the relationship should be positive.

And what he's asking for is ridiculous.

Right?

And I hate the fact that you are questioning that.

When someone loves you and truly values you, they're not going to make you feel badly for having like a full, complete life.

They're not going to, and I'm so against using these pop psychology terms because they are so overused and hence misused, and it really bothers me.

But this is going to be one of those rare occasions where I really have to say it.

Do not let him gaslight you into believing that you are the problem and therefore he deserves to be able to get sex outside of the relationship.

In addition to before cheating on you with an ex and then not showing up for you when your cat died.

This is not a relationship.

This is some sort of, I don't know, it's some sort of something, but it's not a relationship.

And I know that you are way too smart and way too successful and way too clever to not know this.

And I'm giving you a little bit of tough love, but know that I'm very compassionate.

But I just, it's like, this is tolerating BS on like the most profound level ever.

He should not have access to you anymore.

And then him making it seem like because you're so busy and you can't give him sex as much as he would like that he wants to be with someone else.

No, it doesn't work like that.

And he already cheated on you anyway.

So are you actually really conflicted or are you really accustomed to ignoring your feelings?

Because that is something that so many of us, regardless of gender, that we do, we ignore these feelings.

And because maybe we don't have models, relationship models that tell us, look, you know, a relationship is, you know, not always easy, but again, it should feel good most of the time.

It should feel safe, right?

It should feel like you are respected.

If there is no trust in a relationship, you do not have a relationship.

If you can't feel supported by your partner when your beloved pet dies or you're going through a hard time, you are not in a relationship.

If you can't trust your partner to respect you instead of gaslight you into believing that you are the problem when they are actually very much the problem, you do not have a relationship.

What you have is a situation in which you are showing your children what it is like to be treated terribly by a partner and by a man.

I just want to remind you and to anyone who's

and you are juggling a successful career, and you also have like these big goals and athletic goals, you are amazing.

And you have to remember that you are amazing and that you are strong and that you are capable.

And you should never, ever, ever feel like you have to

feel badly about that.

I don't know what your sex life has been or hasn't been, but this is not the solution, is what he's proposing.

Don't agree.

And either way, regardless, regardless the circumstance, every single one of you who are watching this or listening to this, do not agree to any agreement in a relationship that makes you feel terrible and anxious.

whether it's non-monogamy, whatever it is, if it does not, if it feels terrible to you, it is not right for you.

Everyone loses when we agree to a nonverbal contract in a relationship where one person feels terrible about it.

Because what happens is then the person who feels terrible about it loses automatically.

But then the person who benefits from it, they're not really benefiting because how does it help them if their partner feels terrible?

It is a lose-lose.

That's not how compromise works in a relationship.

It's like if you are going to do any big contract or business partnership or a deal, like in a business deal, it's

Any deal in which both parties, one or both parties don't feel good about the deal, that is a bad deal.

And it's the same thing goes in relationships.

If one or both people don't feel good about the nonverbal agreement or contract, it is a bad deal.

And you don't have to question yourself about why it feels terrible.

You don't then have to gaslight yourself into questioning yourself.

Believe yourself, trust yourself, and get rid of this guy.

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Next and final question.

And this is for, um, I think many of you are going to relate to this, but if you or anyone, you know, or maybe it's your kid and you're like, you know, you're younger, you're like late teens or early twenties.

This is important.

Dear Jillian, I am 20 years old and the guy I'm seeing is 33 and

It's been about seven months since we've been seeing each other.

He has told me that he is extremely avoiding and he's never had a long-term relationship.

We've had a lot of distance these past two weeks and he's basically told me that there's been a lot of stress in his business and he's even had the thought that maybe the last time we saw each other would be the last time that we would see each other.

Because he wasn't clear about his thoughts and he wasn't sure one way or the other whether he should continue to see me.

He keeps mentioning that he doesn't know if he can commit to someone long term.

But then I asked him and said, what would you rather do?

Would you rather sleep with someone?

And he said, no, I do want a partner and a family, but I'm just not quite sure.

So I generally believe and have faith that maybe we can work this out.

I just want some help with us because we have such a strong connection and I genuinely believe he can commit.

I want us to grow through this together and I really want this to work.

By the way, I can be anxious as well so I know I have my flaws.

Something I wish that I had learned when I was, you know, in my late teens and early 20s,

was that the most important thing that I could do for myself was to follow my dreams and to start building a life that felt really good to me instead of spending so much time thinking about love and being in a relationship.

I wish that someone had told me in my 20s that literally the most important thing to build as a young adult is our sense of self and self-esteem.

And one thing that women do in general, and especially, and we learn this young, and I see this so much in

and very young adults and college students is, particularly with girls, is that there's so much focus on a romantic connection.

And what girls will do that's not good, that very few boys do, is they will drop everything in their life for a romantic connection.

And part of that is because

Like gender aside, let's just look at feminine energy.

The feminine really values connection.

Like any one of you who dates women, you have to understand that like our highest value that feels very innate is connection.

This is why like most of the time, if you're in a relationship with a woman, especially if you're a man, you

you might find not always, of course, not always, but you might find often that like the women historically in your life have wanted to spend more time with you than, and you may have wanted to spend more time, like not with them, like have more freedom.

And it's just because of that value, that thing inside of us

But also, women have been so conditioned to place our worth in whether or not we're in a relationship or our worth on whether or not we're loved romantically.

You're so young.

At 20, you're so young.

And you don't have a lot of life experience.

So it's almost easier to become so obsessive and to really want to be enough for someone.

But in my view, I believe 33 is too old for you.

And look.

I've known a lot of people in large age gap relationships, but age, and it's not saying that they never work, but in general, the difference between 20 and 33 versus like, you know, 33 and 45 or 46, like the difference between 20 and 33 is so incredibly vast.

Yeah.

You have your whole life ahead of you.

I see this going down a really, really difficult direction where you're just chasing this guy who, quite frankly, I don't know, you know, he just, I think needs to figure some things out.

He's admitted that he's avoiding, that he's avoidant.

He's admitted that he has a lot of stress at work.

He's also in a stage of life where maybe he's trying to build something in his life.

Never having a long-term relationship by 33 points to maybe some other things that he might be struggling with.

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like the most sage advice I can give you is go after freedom right now.

Like follow, like I once heard Jillian Anderson, the actress say, follow your dreams, not your boyfriends.

And you're at a stage of life at 20 years old where you should be following your dreams, not boys.

And especially not one who's just not sure what,

And the more that you try to be understanding, you know, like someone tells you they're not sure about you and then you want to be like, okay.

And like, you want to be understanding and you don't want to rock the boat and you want to make sure that he knows that you understand him.

That's not how you actually, that's not how you get love.

That's actually how you push men away.

When you know your worth,

When you have things outside of a relationship that goals, dreams, friendships, fun, because you should be having a lot of fun right now.

When you have that outside of a relationship, yeah, you become more magnetic.

You become more attractive.

But I really wish that someone told me much, much younger that the way that you...

The way that you represent yourself in a relationship is never by being so incredibly accommodating to the point where you settle for someone who's not sure about you while you completely ignore your life.

That doesn't build attraction in anyone.

So I'm just so thrilled that someone like you listens to my podcast.

And because I really want to get this message out to younger people as well, like

I know the connection is strong, but you have to be brave and recognize like if he's conflicted, it's not right.

There's nothing really to work through.

Let him figure his life out.

You focus on you and having fun and not being tied down in a relationship so young and

And maybe one day you two will find each other again.

Anyway, I know this is hard, but I do hope this helps.

And I do hope that this lands for you and for everyone listening.

So that's it for this week's episode of Jillian on Love.

Please, if you're new and you're watching this on YouTube, don't forget to hit subscribe.

And if you know anyone who could really benefit from this episode, please do not hesitate to share because you just never know whose life you could be significantly changing for the better.

And

Be sure to reach out to us at hello at JillianOnLove.com.

I want to hear your questions, and I also want to hear how this landed for you.

Until next time, thanks for listening.

Jillian on Love is a Q Code production, executive produced by David Henning and Steve Wilson, produced and edited by Travis Howe, music by Will Tendi.

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