jillian on love — DO NOT BREAK UP When Staying Is the Better Choice

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Hey there.

Welcome back to Jillian on Love.

Last week, I wanted to answer a couple of questions from people who

I believe had to get out of the situation that they were in as quickly as possible.

And this week, I wanted to focus on when it's a good idea to maybe work on your relationship.

And I wanted to specifically focus on what happens when you love someone, but your relationship

There's not as much passion anymore.

You don't know if you're attracted to them anymore.

And you've kind of turned into roommates.

Because out of the thousands of emails and DMs that I get on a regular basis, so much of the struggle that people are having who don't know whether they should stay or go is because they don't know if they're in love with the person anymore.

And it really made me think about this idea of how important it is to have certainty and safety and comfort and friendship in a relationship.

It's like the glue that keeps people together.

But it's also important to have chemistry.

I get so many messages from all of you.

saying, you know, I met this person, they're emotionally available, they're kind, they listen to me, but I'm just not feeling that spark or I'm just like not attracted to them and I don't know what to do.

And so if you are in the early stages, you're dating someone and there's no chemistry, that's a problem.

Now, everyone values chemistry and physical connection differently.

For some people, it is really, really important.

For other people, it's not as important.

Everyone is different.

It depends on the stage of life.

It depends on your history, what you've been through.

So everyone is different.

But for those of you who want a relationship that is both safe and there's physical attraction, which is most people, that is entirely possible.

And you deserve a relationship that has both.

Long-term, as I'm about to get into in just a moment, long-term chemistry means that there's work and there's an ebb and a flow that happens inside of a relationship when it comes to chemistry.

But in the very beginning, there has to be that.

Now,

One of the things that I've said many times before is when the chemistry is so strong that you lose your mind and you throw all your boundaries and your standards out the window, that is when you are headed into a storm of neglect, unmet needs, and chaos.

Chemistry is important.

But if you are losing your mind over someone, that only makes it so that you are incredibly vulnerable and at a huge risk of ignoring important signs that points to a person's character and values or lack of character and values.

And so where we get ourselves into trouble as human beings is that we'll go for the person where we're so out of our heads, attracted to them, and we haven't yet learned to value what's on the inside of a person, like their character and the way that they live life, the way that they move through life.

And that has to become just as important.

Chemistry is important, but just because there's crazy chemistry, that doesn't mean that it's healthy.

And you can have really healthy chemistry with someone.

You can have chemistry that's really strong with someone and you have it with them because of a number of things, pheromones and just the inexplicable...

thing that happens when we are drawn to someone.

But for a lot of people, what builds the physical attraction is also the emotional chemistry that they have with someone, the intellectual chemistry that they have with someone.

I know a lot of people who, if they don't feel intellectually stimulated by the person, the physical connection can't really strengthen.

So

When we're looking at chemistry, we have to look at it from all these different vantage points.

And you just have to understand what creates physical chemistry for you.

Just because you're attracted to someone doesn't mean that you should pursue a relationship with them.

But if you meet someone and, you know, you find them interesting...

you know, they're kind to you, you feel like they check so many of the boxes, but you're just not attracted to them, it's never going to work.

And you have to just trust and have faith in yourself and have faith in the fact that, you know, maybe they're just meant to be a friend.

And of course, there are people who are

only are attracted to people who are mean to them.

And that's an entirely different episode.

And I have done episodes like this.

So I would definitely check those out.

But for the most part, sometimes we just think, oh, this person is so kind.

They're emotionally available.

I wish I could be into them.

It's like, okay, well, yeah, I get that.

But you need more than that.

You need someone who you feel drawn to.

You need someone who you share values with.

You need someone who you can build a life with.

And so sometimes it's just not happening.

But what I will say is this.

I worked with a woman a few years ago who...

is now married for the first time in her life.

She's in her 40s.

And she is over the moon happy.

They just got married.

And I remember working with her when she first met the man who she is now married to.

And she was like, I'm not into him.

And I said, OK, why not?

And she went down this whole list of just the way he looks and the way he dresses.

And I just said, well, did you have like a good conversation with him?

She's like, yeah, I did.

I said, go on another date.

She's like, OK.

So she went on another date.

And afterwards, she's like, I don't know.

I'm just not quite sure.

I just don't know.

And I just don't...

I'm not really feeling any spark.

But then at the same breath, she would say, you know, he's really smart.

And...

He seems to have a, like, I don't think he's like, he's not like really my type in terms of looks, but he seems very comfortable in his own skin.

Side note, that is one of the most attractive qualities for any of us.

Like if we are around someone and they feel comfortable in their own skin, they have a level of confidence, even if they are not in your perspective that

classically what you would find most attractive, that can be like an aphrodisiac.

So just important to know.

And I said, okay, give it another date.

And she was really, really resistant.

She was trying to find excuses to not be into him.

And by the fourth date, she was like, something clicked, something changed.

He's just very, very confident and

He did other things that made her feel attracted.

He was direct in his communication.

She really wanted someone who took the lead in terms of making dates.

He was very emotionally available.

He also had some backbone.

When he could sense that there was a little bit of push-pull with her, like he couldn't tell, he was like...

Look, no hard feelings if this isn't right.

You know, I'm getting the sense that you're just like not really quite sure.

And that was very attractive to her.

And it just went on like a light switch.

And that was, like I said, on date four.

So it can grow, but typically what I say is if you've really given someone a chance after five dates, if you're just not feeling anything, you just have to be honest with yourself and with the other person.

And yeah, I understand that it can be sort of disappointing, but the worst thing you can do is just get so in your head about it

And get so worried about it and like, oh my God, I met this person.

They're so nice and I'm not attracted to them and something must be wrong with me.

There's so much mystery to attraction and to physical chemistry that, you know, if you're doing yourself a disservice, if you are going to constantly try to analyze why you're not attracted to someone.

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Someone wrote in who's actually, who's been unhappy in her marriage for a long time.

And, um,

This is one example of someone who I want to help in some way to maybe give her relationship another chance.

And it has to do with what happens when you're not feeling, when you haven't slept, when you haven't had physical intimacy with your spouse for a year and you're feeling like they're like sort of like a roommate.

So...

This is her question.

And I think many of you are going to relate to this in some way, or maybe someone, you know, or a family member.

Dear Jillian, I've been listening to you and reading your content for the past couple of years because I've been unhappy in my marriage and looking for answers.

He's a beautiful and kind person, but it's turned into a roommate situation.

We haven't been intimate in a year.

This is more on me.

I feel like we've grown apart and I'm not attracted to him in that way.

Counseling didn't work.

We ended up separating a month ago and I moved out.

But I miss him more than anything and we still hang out occasionally because I think we're both lonely and miss each other's company.

I find that I keep thinking about how I miss living in our home together and maybe I made a mistake.

I know you've said that you shouldn't have to choose between safety and chemistry, that you can have both.

I do want both.

And I'm not sure if I can get back to a place of wanting to be intimate with him again or not.

I find myself almost wanting to accept a less passionate or sexist sexless life so I can have my old life back.

Is this something that can come back or is it better to move on?

How do I move on from someone I still love dearly, but I'm just not sexually attracted to?

Should we try counseling with another person?

It's a lot of questions here.

I'm going to start with, can physical attraction come back in a relationship where you're not feeling it anymore?

It's not guaranteed, but yes, it can if there was attraction in the beginning of the relationship.

If you never really felt totally attracted to the person, but you were just sort of forcing yourself in this relationship because you had told yourself that you have to choose safe, and maybe you told yourself that because of your past and you were in something that was incredibly toxic, so you went the safe route.

then it can't really come back because there's nothing that was there really to begin with.

But it can come back if it was there.

So what are the reasons why two people who love each other, who are in a marriage or in a long-term relationship, turn into roommates?

And there's a few reasons.

Number one is the both of you have gotten too caught up

in routine,

too caught up in the certainty of the relationship, too caught up in the friendship of the relationship.

And what I mean by that is the routine of you're at home, you're in your sweatpants and you're watching Netflix and then you're going to bed and then, you know, you wake up and it's sort of rinse and repeat.

Now, I love that, but a relationship also needs a sense of novelty and adventure.

You see, we stop doing what we do in the beginning of the relationship.

And then we wonder why a year, two years, five years, 10 years, 20 years down the road, we wonder why the relationship has sort of, quote unquote, lost its magic.

And it's because some of the magic has kind of been lost within.

A lot of people, again, we get too comfortable.

We get...

In routine, a relationship is 100% what we make of it.

It is not a separate entity from the two people in it.

It is the sum total of the energy and the behavior and the aliveness or lack of aliveness of the two people who are in it.

We forget that in the beginning of a relationship, all that lust and chemistry is just sort of there and we don't have to do much.

But if you look a little bit more carefully, in the beginning of the relationship, people are

bringing their happier state into the relationship.

They are trying more.

They are saying yes to more joy and to more new experiences.

They're laughing more.

And so whether we're aware of it or not, we are all bringing more energy in the beginning because we are excited by what could be.

And then the comfort comes in and it's human nature to once we become really familiar with something or someone that we start to take it for granted.

And so we stop trying.

We bring our stress home.

We get really complacent.

We may stop feeling alive inside our own bodies.

Like sometimes when we feel this lack of erotic and physical connection with our partner, it's because we haven't been connecting to that part of ourselves.

And I'm not even talking about sexually.

It's like,

Is life exciting for you?

Are you trying new things?

Are you stepping outside of your comfort zone individually and then also as a couple?

Are you stepping outside of your comfort zone and trying new things or doing things with your body like dancing or working out or whatever it is and then bringing that sense of new energy and release into the relationship?

Because a lot of times what happens is that two people, once they get really comfortable, they fall into familiar patterns individually.

And then their nervous system gets a little dull or dysregulated.

And then they're bringing that into the relationship.

And in the beginning, you know, maybe we're working out more or...

We're trying new things or we're bringing the part of ourself that feels more alive.

And we think, oh, it's the other person who's making me do this.

But really it's because we're so motivated in the beginning and because there is something really special about the newness of it all.

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Once you're in a marriage and in a long-term relationship, you have to be creative to find the newness.

You have to do some things together that are totally new.

You have to look at your partner with some curiosity.

Complacency is the enemy of relationships.

When you say, when this person says, who wrote in, that you became like roommates...

And if anyone who's watching this or listening to this is thinking that about themselves or reflecting on a past relationship, ask yourself why.

Did being safe and being certain and just being in routines take over so much that you forgot to value joy and adventure and connection just as much, if not more?

Did you stop communicating with each other?

Was there a decline in some emotional intimacy and emotional connection that led to not being a physical connection?

And then this is a really important point that's not going to be the easiest thing for everyone to hear, which is this.

So many women and everyone really needs, women need to understand this about themselves and men, whether you date them or not, need to understand this just to have some sort of understanding around women and sexuality, especially if you date them.

So many women, we don't say what it is that we want in the bedroom.

Or we never say, hey, you know, slow down.

I really need this sort of connection first, this foreplay first.

It takes more for a woman to orgasm than it does for a man, typically.

But so many women don't say what it is that they want and what they need.

And what they, or what we do instead is tell ourselves that it's okay as it is, or, you know, they're safe, so I don't need more.

Like we tell ourselves, I don't really actually need more, or I don't want to say anything because I don't want to hurt their feelings.

And so we silence ourselves

which is obviously a terrible thing to do to ourselves, was not great for our partner because our partner, anyone who loves you is going to want to make you happy in the bedroom.

And we need to tell our partners if something is not working for us or we need to tell our partners what we want more of

So I'm wondering if this is playing a role in it.

If like your kind, beautiful person who you are in a relationship with hasn't been meeting your needs in that way and you haven't been expressing it because of fear.

When you take all these points, when you take the

You know, have I been feeling, have I myself fallen into a rut and into routine?

Am I not really trying anymore?

Have we fallen into a rut as a couple where we're not actually having these important conversations and doing fun things?

And because when we do something fun and different and outside of the comfort zone with our partner, we laugh again.

We feel playful again.

We feel there's like an energetic charge that happens and that charge can feed.

physical attraction.

You know, sometimes couples get so caught up in just talking about the relationship all the time instead of just living the relationship.

Or some couples are not talking enough about what they want and need from each other.

That honest conversation of, I feel, I love you, but I feel disconnected from you.

I love you, but I don't feel wanted by you.

And I want to feel wanted and I want you to feel wanted.

And having that incredibly awkward, hard conversation about like, okay, we are going to do some new things.

We are going to figure out what it is that we want.

And I'm going to tell you, yes, like I really have found, I'm really tired in the morning, in the evening.

And I really want to, I have this fantasy of us doing it in the morning, whatever it is, those conversations.

So let me backtrack.

No, the option is not to go back to this marriage and just accept it being sexless and accept it being passionless.

The option is to maybe go back into this marriage and with this new understanding and bring it back.

But it can't come back without that self-reflection first.

How have you...

been complicit in whatever is not connecting between the two of you romantically?

And what can you do differently?

And sometimes what happens is that we just, we get so fixated on seeing our partner through one very particular lens when in the beginning of the relationship or in the early years of the relationship, we saw multiple facets of them.

Are you just bringing one part of your personality to the relationship?

Has one of you been out of work and then you're just out of work at home, whereas you used to see the person sort of like kick ass at work and that was something that made you feel very attracted to them?

Are you each individually nourishing what makes you feel alive?

Because then when you witness each other

In your autonomy, doing something that makes you feel joyful, happy, alive, connected, that creates chemistry.

Are you flirting with each other?

Are you touching each other?

You know, is there a hand, you know, on the shoulder at the same time as you look at your partner's eyes and say something in a tone of voice that you know they like?

So you've got touch, eye contact, tone.

That can turn on attraction in a second.

But it takes being creative and it takes understanding and knowing what your partner likes and doing it.

It takes saying what it is that you like.

If your partner touches you a certain way and you like it, say, oh my God, when you touch me that way and you look at me like that, that makes my knees weak.

Guess what?

You do that, they're just going to want to do more of it.

We train our partners all the time.

And something that makes us very similar to dogs is that we do not respond to negative feedback.

We respond to positive reinforcement.

So if you want your partner to do more of something, when they do it, reinforce it, even if they do it a little bit.

Because at the end of the day, when we love someone, when we care about someone, we want to win with them.

But most of us, it's just like the blind leading the blind.

And we don't even know how to lead ourselves, let alone help our partner.

But if you can really understand that one, it begins with you,

Your relationship with yourself, your relationship with your body, how you've been feeling alive, not alive, if you've been communicating, not communicating.

And then number two, we train each other.

And so maybe the two of you have trained each other to just be roommates.

And you can untrain it.

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And that is what I'm encouraging you to do because you love this man and you miss him.

And so there is a part of you that is really, I don't know if it's just loneliness or maybe there is, maybe there is a part of you that knows that like, there's something that still just hasn't been tapped into.

And it's time to get really, really honest with yourself and really, really honest with your spouse.

And see if the two of you individually and together as a team can bring this back.

And it means that you're going to have to hear from him what he's feeling.

And so my instinct is to tell you that this isn't over yet.

And the answer is not to go back in just to a sexless or passionless marriage.

The answer is to bring it back.

And maybe you will do all these things and realize that like you look at this person and you just see like a sibling and it is just gone.

And if that is the case, there is no bringing it back, but it will happen again in a future relationship if you don't take that.

at least some of the things that I've said today to heart, because that's what's really incredibly important.

Anyway, I hope this helps.

Please reach out to me.

Reach out to me and my team at hello at JillianOnLove.com if you have any questions.

I tend to answer questions in detail in Jillian On Love Plus, which is a subscriber, which is for subscribers of the podcast where you get to listen to all the episodes ad-free and get your questions answered.

And if you have not yet hit subscribe, you're watching this on YouTube,

Please do, because it helps me to develop, to keep developing content that you want to watch and you want to listen to.

Until next time, thanks for listening.

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